When I look back on these past couple of months...and by 'couple' I mean this last year...I see that I was just living in a dillusion. I mean, no one's gonna look after you unless its you looking after your damn self. I mean, if you don't, who will? For a split second in time, it may seem as if someone is looking out for your best interests, but be assured that it's also for their best interests as well. For someone who claims to be so cynical and questioning, I sure did let a lot of shit go without questioning it at all. Who knows...maybe I was looking for something? Or maybe I thought that something had finally found me when I didn't want to be found? Anyways, it doesn't matter now. My vision is oh so clear now...I can see situations for what they really are. I'm not looking for nothing to complete me outside of me...cause I can only complete my damn self. Thats what my problem is. I'm always walking around like I'm half a person, but I'm fully here...I just haven't tapped into it yet. I mean, yeah, I'll have my depression spells, but fuck it...I'm down by my damn self. No one is here putting me down or keeping there. No one is pulling my damn strings, having me feeling shit for them that they don't feel in return...I'm free now. And I want it to stay that way. I remember I was trying to convince someone that relationships were the way to go...nah, fuck that. I don't need anyone...and I'm not looking. That shit is definitely not for me.
Regrets are a motherfucker, aren't they? It's like, you wish life were like those action books back when you were a kid...so you could make a decision, skip to page 42 and see what happens, and if its bad, go back and make the other decision on page 56. Yeah, but life ain't like that. You gotta make choices, most of the time hard ones, and live with the consequences. And more often than not (well, for me anyways) those choices lead to people getting hurt. You either hurt people intentionally or unintentionally. You feel like shit...but the real question is...do you regret that you made someone feel like shit, or do you regret how that person feels now? That's the real question...the question of character. Do you regret that a certain person found out, or do you regret your actions? Do you regret that you hurt someone, or do you regret that things aren't the way you want them? That's the real question. And when you can come to grips with your actual regret...then you can cope with it. See...I regret shit. I regret alot of things. But, see...I'm cut from a different cloth than all of these other people that I come in contact with. I have plenty of regrets too...but I regret making people feel bad...I regret not living up to potential...I regret not taking a back seat to some people...I regret just not letting things unfold for the best of everyone. While other people's regrets are selfish...not mine. That's my problem...I'm harldy ever selfish, even when the situation calls for me to be...and when I am, things turn out bad. I should've been selfish this whole year...but no...I got to go out of my way to impress people, be something else for people, even sacrifice time, money, effort and everything for someone else. Its never about me, its always about making the situation better for someone else. Shit...yeah, I regret that too...I know I'm guilty of it too...but like I said...not like them...
It's easy for me to say that I'm just gonna wipe the slate clean, burn bridges, and cut all ties and contacts to certain individuals, but why? I mean, I should cut them out of my life just because I had unreal expectations of them? I was selfish in that regard...and hoped that at least one situation would pan out, and neither did. "Don't put all of your eggs in one basket..."...whatever...now I'm stuck with none. So, no, I'm not gonna cease communication...it's just going to be different. I'm not gonna be as open as I was before, cause no one deserves that...no one deserves to be all in my bubble anymore. I'm using the term FRIEND very strictly, no loaded words, no anything like that. Just friends. It was my fault anyways...I had this thought of how things were going to work out while knowing that they weren't, and it hit me as a suprise when it all didn't. That makes no sense...and I'm tired of not making any sense.
So it's back to the basics. No one completes me but me. Me which is 1/3, Myself, the other 1/3, and I...the last 1/3. It all equals 1...which is me. Complete. Everything else, well, that's just extra..